“We cannot stick our heads in the sand and hope our kids will
develop healthy sexual attitudes and behaviours on their own”. Dr Dave Currie
develop healthy sexual attitudes and behaviours on their own”. Dr Dave Currie
Last week we went visiting our family friend; it was fun as the
kids had playmates to engage them for the day while I had a lot of catching up
to do with Mfon my friend. Just as we were about getting caught up in our chit
chat, we got jolted back with this summon – “Danny,
come and wait for me while I wee wee”, Mimi my 5 year old called out from
the toilet. Mfon and I exchanged curious stares while she called out to her
son; “Danny please do not go to the toilet, as boys do not watch girls wee wee”.
kids had playmates to engage them for the day while I had a lot of catching up
to do with Mfon my friend. Just as we were about getting caught up in our chit
chat, we got jolted back with this summon – “Danny,
come and wait for me while I wee wee”, Mimi my 5 year old called out from
the toilet. Mfon and I exchanged curious stares while she called out to her
son; “Danny please do not go to the toilet, as boys do not watch girls wee wee”.
When Mimi came back into the sitting room, I sat her down for a
little talk on privacy. It was basically a reminder that hanging out with Didi
(her sister) and other girls were not the same as hanging out with Danny and
other boys. As such, some request and even actions (play) were needless. Though
it broke my heart to talk about their careless innocence, I nevertheless
continued.
little talk on privacy. It was basically a reminder that hanging out with Didi
(her sister) and other girls were not the same as hanging out with Danny and
other boys. As such, some request and even actions (play) were needless. Though
it broke my heart to talk about their careless innocence, I nevertheless
continued.
Speaking to my daughter about upholding her privacy, reminded me
of the need to revisit our earlier discussion on sex and the difference in the
body organs of a boy and a girl. Our first discussion on this topic began at
the age of 3 and as the years progressed, we’ve had reminders of these basics,
answered tricky and out rightly funny questions and included new information I
feel they were of age to handle.
of the need to revisit our earlier discussion on sex and the difference in the
body organs of a boy and a girl. Our first discussion on this topic began at
the age of 3 and as the years progressed, we’ve had reminders of these basics,
answered tricky and out rightly funny questions and included new information I
feel they were of age to handle.
Below is a guide to discussing needful and basic sexual
orientation with a 5 year old and older ages;
orientation with a 5 year old and older ages;
Get brave
You want to be the first one to tell your children about
sexuality. It’s much better to start with a clean slate, rather than having to
undo the faulty information they’ve picked up from friends or television.
Unfortunately, in most families, this does not happen. And the number one
reason for that is fear. None of us is fully comfortable with having these
discussions with our kids; it’s not an easy thing to do. Ultimately, though, it’s
our responsibility and it’s what our kids need from us. So we need to be brave
enough to do it. The good news is, as you courageously talk through the tough
issues with your children, not only will you be equipping them with the
information they need to make wise choices, but you may also be pleasantly
surprised at how your relationship with them deepens in the process. They will
open up and share more of what’s going on inside them as they see that they can
trust you in even the most sensitive areas of life.
sexuality. It’s much better to start with a clean slate, rather than having to
undo the faulty information they’ve picked up from friends or television.
Unfortunately, in most families, this does not happen. And the number one
reason for that is fear. None of us is fully comfortable with having these
discussions with our kids; it’s not an easy thing to do. Ultimately, though, it’s
our responsibility and it’s what our kids need from us. So we need to be brave
enough to do it. The good news is, as you courageously talk through the tough
issues with your children, not only will you be equipping them with the
information they need to make wise choices, but you may also be pleasantly
surprised at how your relationship with them deepens in the process. They will
open up and share more of what’s going on inside them as they see that they can
trust you in even the most sensitive areas of life.
Sex talks should be natural and
gradual
gradual
If you’re hoping you can get this all out of the way with one
good heart-to-heart talk when your child is ten, I’m afraid you’re in for an
awakening. Yes, you will need to have the definitive sex talk with your child
at some point (if you want to be sure they hear it from you first, it needs to
happen by the time they are eight or nine.) But there are going to be many
other opportunities to teach your kids both before and after The Talk. It could
happen when your five-year-old daughter asks her pregnant mom, “How did the
baby get in your tummy?” It could come when your young son and daughter are
taking a bath, and your boy suddenly notices there’s something different about
his sister. Perhaps it will be when you’re watching TV as a family and
something you weren’t expecting comes on, or when your child notices a teenage
couple making out in the mall. Regardless of how and when it happens, the
questions will come… Read more here.
good heart-to-heart talk when your child is ten, I’m afraid you’re in for an
awakening. Yes, you will need to have the definitive sex talk with your child
at some point (if you want to be sure they hear it from you first, it needs to
happen by the time they are eight or nine.) But there are going to be many
other opportunities to teach your kids both before and after The Talk. It could
happen when your five-year-old daughter asks her pregnant mom, “How did the
baby get in your tummy?” It could come when your young son and daughter are
taking a bath, and your boy suddenly notices there’s something different about
his sister. Perhaps it will be when you’re watching TV as a family and
something you weren’t expecting comes on, or when your child notices a teenage
couple making out in the mall. Regardless of how and when it happens, the
questions will come… Read more here.
Create a rite of passage
experience
experience
When the time comes for the first major sex talk – the one where
you give them all the basics – turn it into a big event. Rather than the parent
and child sitting uncomfortably at the kitchen table, scared to look each other
in the eye, make it a celebration. This is an important step in the process of your
son becoming a man, or your daughter becoming a woman. Commemorate it with a
special event. Take them out for dinner and a movie – make it a real date.
Beyond just the talk, turn it into a special time that allows for genuine trust
and relationship to develop. This will remove the stigma and set the stage for
your child to come to you with their questions and concerns in the future.
you give them all the basics – turn it into a big event. Rather than the parent
and child sitting uncomfortably at the kitchen table, scared to look each other
in the eye, make it a celebration. This is an important step in the process of your
son becoming a man, or your daughter becoming a woman. Commemorate it with a
special event. Take them out for dinner and a movie – make it a real date.
Beyond just the talk, turn it into a special time that allows for genuine trust
and relationship to develop. This will remove the stigma and set the stage for
your child to come to you with their questions and concerns in the future.
Assume they know more than you think. I know parents who think
that at age 11 or 12, their kids still don’t know anything about sex. Let me
tell you: unless you have them living in a glass bubble, they know a lot more
than you think they do. Kids talk. Kids see things on TV. In our culture, we
are surrounded by sex, and our children pick up on it. Read more here
that at age 11 or 12, their kids still don’t know anything about sex. Let me
tell you: unless you have them living in a glass bubble, they know a lot more
than you think they do. Kids talk. Kids see things on TV. In our culture, we
are surrounded by sex, and our children pick up on it. Read more here
Model healthy sexuality
Your kids will pick up on how you feel about sex. They notice
how Mom and Dad treat each other. They may even notice the sparkle in your eyes
when you’re having fun together. If you have healthy sexuality in your
marriage, as your kids get older they will begin to understand the gift that
sex is to a married couple. On the flip side, I’ve spoken to far too many boys
whose first exposure to sexuality came when they discovered their dad’s Playboy
collection under the bed. You cannot expect your kids to develop healthy sexual
attitudes and practices if they see you doing otherwise. The apple usually
doesn’t fall too far from the tree. So make sure you are living the way you
want your kids to live as they mature.
how Mom and Dad treat each other. They may even notice the sparkle in your eyes
when you’re having fun together. If you have healthy sexuality in your
marriage, as your kids get older they will begin to understand the gift that
sex is to a married couple. On the flip side, I’ve spoken to far too many boys
whose first exposure to sexuality came when they discovered their dad’s Playboy
collection under the bed. You cannot expect your kids to develop healthy sexual
attitudes and practices if they see you doing otherwise. The apple usually
doesn’t fall too far from the tree. So make sure you are living the way you
want your kids to live as they mature.
Value transfer is critical
There are two sides to sex education. On the one hand you’ve got
the technical side: explaining what sex is, what different parts of the body
do, and how babies are made. Then there’s the values side: the role of
sexuality within life and marriage, appropriate behaviour, and how to treat a
person of the opposite sex. While schools may do a good job of teaching the
technical side, in many cases the value side is lacking. The sexual values and
norms taught at school may not reflect the beliefs of your family. Only you can
impart the values that you want your kids to have.
the technical side: explaining what sex is, what different parts of the body
do, and how babies are made. Then there’s the values side: the role of
sexuality within life and marriage, appropriate behaviour, and how to treat a
person of the opposite sex. While schools may do a good job of teaching the
technical side, in many cases the value side is lacking. The sexual values and
norms taught at school may not reflect the beliefs of your family. Only you can
impart the values that you want your kids to have.
I recommend that same-sex parent (moms with daughters and dads
with sons) explain the technical details to the child. The child will usually
feel more comfortable asking sensitive questions of the parent of their gender.
The opposite-sex parent has a critical role in teaching the child how to relate
to the opposite sex. Moms, take your sons on dates and teach them to hold the
door for you and pull out your chair. Help them to learn what it means to treasure
a girl. Dads, take your girls out and treat them like princesses. Set the bar
high so that they will one day look for a guy who will treat them as well as
you did, rather than having low expectations and settling for someone who
mistreats them. Read more here.
with sons) explain the technical details to the child. The child will usually
feel more comfortable asking sensitive questions of the parent of their gender.
The opposite-sex parent has a critical role in teaching the child how to relate
to the opposite sex. Moms, take your sons on dates and teach them to hold the
door for you and pull out your chair. Help them to learn what it means to treasure
a girl. Dads, take your girls out and treat them like princesses. Set the bar
high so that they will one day look for a guy who will treat them as well as
you did, rather than having low expectations and settling for someone who
mistreats them. Read more here.
To raise great children with good sexual orientation, do not
post pone the inevitable – ‘the sex talk’, you can start slow but make it today.
post pone the inevitable – ‘the sex talk’, you can start slow but make it today.
Thumbs up to your success!
Credits – http://powertochange.com/family/talkkids/
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