hope LIFE personal struggles


Today, I woke to the
brightness of the sun rays, I struggled out of the bed and knelt to pray before
my day commenced. I still recite my prayers because my brain has been so wired from
childhood. Besides, my mama always says it’s the best way to begin the day. I
know the recitation is only a routine as I doubt the Father of Light even
listens to my mumbling.
These days, I find
great solace at the window of ‘how I wish’. 
Where I sit, stare and wallow in the thoughts of all the things I can
only hope to have or achieve but will never be able to. Even on days I wake
with some jolt of energy, the window of ‘how I wish’ still beckons and I
reluctantly indulge. Who can save me from its grip!

So today, as I sat and
stared through the window of ‘how I wish’, I watched my neighbour’s children
water their front lawn. Kate and Frank are always a delight to watch;
beautiful, courteous and with a burst of life I fear can never flow through me
I smiled as Frank
mischievously turned the rusty watering can to spray on Kate, who squealed with
joy and ran for cover. I could hear the distant call of Mrs. Peters telling
Frank to get serious and water the plants. I knew without being told that she
was yelling that instruction from the kitchen. Oh, the ever warm and gracious
lady whose love for cooking is second to none. She often sends me gifts of her
sumptuous delicacies even after turning down several invitations to dine with
the family.
How I wish I had
children to call mine, so I can have someone to laugh with or yell at. My heart
As I got up to shower,
I got pulled back to the window of ‘how I wish’, and there I noticed Mr. Peter
washing his car and my heart sighed yet again – when will I ever own a car to
call mine? What a far-fetched desire! I scolded myself…at least not now when I
can’t afford to buy a tyre!
I watched Mr Peter’s
sweat-bathed arms scrub mud stains off the fender of his 2006 Toyota Corolla. His
shoulders and muscles glistened as the morning rays bounced off his skin. Lust
snaked up my spine as I stared unashamed. “How I wish I had a man with great biceps
wrap his arms around me every morning”.
“How I wish the
different men constantly transiting through my life could last a season”. Desiring
to be taken to the altar, would be asking the Father of Light too much.
Having lost track of
time drowning myself in thoughts I could never breathe to another soul, I
hurriedly dressed up and rushed out to meet up with my first sales appointment
for the week. It was the first in 3 days! How I wish I worked in a bank. How
did I ever end up selling kitchen utensils? I wish I had not flunked the only bank
interview I had 5 years ago. Perhaps, I would have become an executive with an
office and car by now. Maybe I wouldn’t be chasing people around convincing
them to buy pots, knives, dinner sets and all the crap my supervisor calls
‘premium kitchen utensils’.
As I trudged to the
venue of the appointment, my tights kept rubbing on each other, making my fast
strides torturous. Sweat beads broke out on my forehead and neck, spiralling
down my back to my undies. How I wish I could keep up with all the rigorous
exercise and healthy lifestyle tips Tina, my colleague, whines about. “To
hell with Tina and her ‘fitfam body“, I muttered to myself. She is
the last thought I need in my head now. She seems to have been given everything
I ever wished for by the Father of Light – a great sales career, a handsome
man, beautiful kids and a great ride. How I wish I had her life!
As I await my turn, beads
of perspiration form on my head despite the humming air-conditioning unit. The
lump in my throat felt heavier and my tummy sank like lead. I wish I don’t stutter
today when I try to tell my prospect about the benefits of our premium kitchen
set. I wish they would, out of pity, decide to buy so I can clock in a sale
this week. I wish I had another job, another life, I wish…
“Thank you for
your time Miss Freda, we will get back to you” brought the trend of my
thought to a halt. I could clearly tell that another sales opportunity had
failed yet again! “Miserable me” The rest of my week now looked even more
Failure is a constant
companion these days and I crave only my company. I dread going to the office
because I am daily reminded of my non-performance by Mr. Slacks, my sleazy
supervisor. The quietness of my home threatens me too as the beautiful life of
Mr. and Mrs. Peters is a constant reminder my solitude.
I wish I was born with
a silver spoon, maybe I could have lived life on my terms; have advantage and
perhaps myriad opportunities to succeed. But here and now, I am just the
miserable seed of a single mother who almost gave me up at birth. I do not have
the courage to expect more from life. I can only wish. Never expect.
It is almost midnight
again; my day has ended on the same dreary note. It’s been seven months since
anything pleasant happened to me; seven months that feels like forever. No
sales made; no commission earned.  I will
soon be dirt broke again and shamefully resort to welfare.
Sleep evades me at
night; dawn creeps up on me. At first light, I see the curtain at my window
flutter. I cannot resist the temptation. The pull is strong. The gentle breeze
moves the curtain towards my face as I take a step closer. The soft wind
carries Mrs Peters singing followed by Mr Peters laughter…they mock me. How I
wish I had someone to sing to, someone to laugh happily when he sees me.
Today, I don’t see the
children playing as they water the lawn. I see my life wasting away. I am
unable to help myself and the Father of Light seems so far away. How I wish He
was close, maybe then everything would be different.
Again, my curtain
stirs. The soft breeze caresses my cheek and I hear my name; it’s a whisper, a
sigh, it is music to my ears. As I look out my window of ‘how I wish’, I see
His piercing light. It dispels the darkness in my heart; it thaws the winter of
my soul. The Father of Light is here! I am not alone.
Now, I wish I can tell
the world what I know…
Come unto
me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Ta`ke my
yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall
find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light
(Matthew 11:28-30)
Are you at a crossroad
and feel all hope is lost? Do you resent living and feel like a complete failure?
May I invite you to step aside from the window of “how I wish” and live again!

Take a first step and tell God about your struggles, then move on to speak with someone. help is never far from you!

Live intentionally!

Image credit- Google

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